Saturday, August 1, 2009
Your Federal Government Loves You! How About a Big Hug?
YOUR GOVERNMENT is working night and day to take control… er, make your life easier. We only want to help! Everything will be all right! Just relax! Our historic, dear leader will bring us all together and restore our proper place in the world, alongside China, Venezuela, Uganda, Nicaragua, and of course, the workers’ paradise, Cuba. We’re even going to be friends with Iran soon. But that pesky Israel needs to get in line.
Rest assured we’re on the job making the economy better and preventing future prosperity … uh, meltdowns and bubbles. This can be done by regulating those greedy financial institutions and seizing, uh, that is, helping manage them so that it works out best for us, we mean, for all. Even though you might have been laid off with no job prospects for the next year or two, we want you to enjoy this time and look forward with great HOPE. No need to do anything, we’ll take care of it. That government health care is starting to look better, right?
And if you want to trade one of those gas-guzzling clunkers, we’re here to help. Yeah, we’ve already run out of money once on this program, but not to worry, we’re busy printing more. So what’s a few billion in a multi-trillion-dollar deficit? We’ll get it back under cap and trade. Just wait till you see your electric bill then! That is, we’re going after those mean corporations that insist on making a profit when others are losing ground. They’ll pay through the nose for warming the globe. And they won’t be anxious to drill for oil or gas, mine coal, or build dangerous nuclear plants. Won’t it be great when we’re all driving those cute little electric 20-horsepower cars? Of course our leaders will have to keep using limos and personal jets. Darn!
We hope you’re grateful for all the trouble we’ve gone to in order to help you pay your mortgage. Too bad we couldn’t get to everyone, and several million have been foreclosed on. Tough luck, but hang in there, we’re working on it. It’s those silly banks! Just because we’re not too sure what we’re going to be doing in the future in the financial world (other than try to regulate more), they use this as an excuse to hold up on their lending plans, etc.
But mostly, we’re just glad to be able to assist the American people with their day-to-day decisions and life activities. We know that the people have a very hard time making decisions for themselves, especially when it comes to meal planning, education, housing, jobs, toilet tank size, and extremely complex issues like that. We know what a burden adulthood can be, having to think for yourself. We’re here to help, even to the point of seeing to it that you vote correctly, and that you have your financial and medical decisions made for you, etc.
You can think of us as your mama if it makes you feel better.
We want Americans to renounce their self interest and devote themselves to the great, all-encompassing national plan. But sometimes, we sense a lack of gratitude for all our hard work, and impatience about the results. But please understand, all our problems can be traced to George W. Bush, and the deficits and recession we inherited, and also the Founding Fathers, who wrote a Constitution that tried to tie our hands in carrying out our plans today. Thank goodness for our liberal courts! They interpret a lot of that away.
Our goal is to eventually have your daily schedule prepared in advance and emailed to you, with a requirement that you report back several times a day on your progress. Of course, if anyone shows signs of uncooperativeness, we will have to counsel and possibly retrain them, all in a loving spirit, of course. And as people get older and nearer to death, we want give them counseling and encouragement, and make sure they understand the options available to them to take them out of this world with comfort and convenience.
Then they’ll be off our Social Security and Medicare rolls, uh, but still in our hearts.
As soon as we can retrain the members of the “conservative” (that is, extremist right-wing fanatic) movement, we will be well on our way to our dream of utopia. We’ve got our messiah, we just need a lot of cooperation.
Your Federal Government
Executive, Congress (D and a few R), and much of the Judiciary